the question i can't answer - artistic narcissism

I actually do get asked this question about my music: "what are you most proud of?"

I can't answer that question; i usually say whichever of my albums pops into my head first, or try to guage what the questioner would be interested in hearing. But, that is not a real answer.

The truth is that i am proud of everything and nothing all at the same time. I'm proud of every single piece of music i create, because so much is thrown into the garbage during the creative process. Every piece you see in my discography represents the abandonment of countless takes and other projects. Everything that makes it throught my self editing process is me, exactly the way it is supposed to be. The frequency of my creation is at odds with what i'm doing; i have music running through my head all day every day, unused music from 20+ years sitting on my hard drive/written on faded manuscript paper/lurking in the back of my mind, waiting patiently for a context in which to manifest.

Yet, the feeling of pointlessness sits there too. The vast majority of all music and art is mindless filler. Sure, we can aim for supposed pleasure or intellectual fulfillment, but there is ultimately  no clear reason for what catches our imagination or gives us pleasure. Fame is simply the coincidental appreciation of many people all at once. It makes no difference if others love/hate/ignore what i create, i have an impulsion to make whatever music flows from my fingers.

I suppose i could point out 4 albums that i feel best represent who i am: the slumlord ep, the uncollected, feeble, and album of death. I could imagine being happy if those 4 albums were my entire discography, considering that alone is more output than most bands get the chance to produce. Some musicians don't have any tangible recordings at all.

Thus, the narcissism and deprecation live side by side; i am immensely proud of realizing my goals, but ultimately uncertain about their validity.