2nd half of story

 E: oh, ok, i guess that makes sense.

B: does it? And more importantly, you're not even going to ask?

E: ask what?

B: you know, why they call them that.

E: call them what?

B: the "virgin islands."

E: i don't want to know.

B: horse hocky, you're just afraid to look naive and/or foolish.

E: ok, fine, why?

B: because Columbus was a tool.

E: what?

B: remember? Columbus thought Eurasia was it as far as Earth was concerned, so he logically believed he had already circumnavigated this newly round globe thingy, ergo everywhere he landed must have been India. Finders namers, so he decided to name these beautiful islands after St. Ursula and her 11 (or possibly 11,000 martyred Christian virgins, history is not good with numbers). That story, by the way, comes from a plaque on a building mentioning "Huns murdered Virgins here in Cologne a long time ago."

E: so basically none of that is even remotely helpful?

B: well, it is remote, but no not helpful. We're still lost at sea. Why don't you try floating and i'll see which direction you drift?

E: why don't you?

B: interesting fact, the lower half of my body is not bouyant. Never has been, never will be. Mystery of the universe, that one.

E: hhhhhhh, fine.

B: ok, good enough, follow me for about 11,000 stokes and we'll do it again. Keep an eye out for driftwood or turtles or something.

E: are we going to die?

B: eventually. Oh, you mean soon? Probably not. The trouble with washing up on a deserted island is that you can't actually do it until you're delirious and about to drown. I'm still disconcertingly chipper, so we got a while. If it makes you feel any better, you'll probably pass out first and i'll reach exhaustion trying to drag you along. If we're lucky we'll be sipping drinks from a pineapple in a day or two.

E: what if we're unlucky?

B: coconut water and a one-way trip up the volcano.

E: i wouldn't mind a few days stranded with meg ryan.

B: 1) i'm impressed, 2) i'm disturbed you actually know Joe Vs. The Volcano well enough to understand me, 3) grab that passing volleyball from that other Tom Hanks movie where a fedex plane crashes. He's not gonna like how his plot line turns out anyway; we're practically doing him a favor.